


room 93

by overcastphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amazingphil - Freeform, BoyxBoy, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Unhappy Ending, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-29
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-18 13:51:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8164166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overcastphan/pseuds/overcastphan
Summary: phil never forgot the summer of '97. it was the summer he had spent in brooklyn and the summer he met dan. the summer where they embarked on a reckless relationship within the walls of room 93."we're hollow eyed and bittersweet, rolling round room 93." - h





	1. empty gold

There's always at least one summer that sticks out in your mind above the rest. Whether it's because of the things you did or the people you spent it with or a mixture of both. Phil never forgot the summer of '97. He remembered it as both the best and worst summer in his life. Equally a dream and a nightmare.

The events and the people involved in that summer made it the mixture of the good and bad. Phil had never laughed and smiled as much as he did that summer, but he also had never screamed and cried as much as he did.

He had been sent to spend the summer in Brooklyn, which would be pretty cool to anyone, including him, if it weren't for the fact that he'd be spending it with his aunt and uncle. Phil hadn't known them very well. All he knew was that they were considered the black sheep of the family and had moved to Brooklyn to live a life of "bad decisions" as Phil's mother put it. Whatever that meant.

Phil was reluctant in going but family issues proved his arguing as futile and before he knew it, he was on a plane with nothing but a backpack and an address.

His aunt and uncle never showed up at the airport and Phil had to figure out how the hell he was going to make it to where he needed to go. He managed to get a taxi to take him to a bus terminal which then took him as close as he was going to get by vehicle.

He was left in the middle of nowhere. When he arrived, he thought he'd be living somewhere in the city where there would be things to do. He didn't think his aunt and uncle lived on the outskirts of the city, in fact, he didn't know where they lived at all. All he knew was that the bus driver told him to walk along the road until he got there. "There" being extremely vague since Phil didn't know where "there" was.

Phil walked along the sandy roadside for 10 minutes before arriving at his apparent destination. As if his first impression hadn't been tainted enough, he realized his aunt and uncle lived in a trailer park. Not only would he be living with two people he didn't even know, he wouldn't even be living in an actual house. This summer wasn't starting off on the best foot and he had a feeling it was only going to go downhill from there. If he had the money and the motivation to go back to the airport, he'd take the first flight back home.

He took a deep breath and found the courage to take the steps he needed to take to get through the front gate. There was a building just a few feet from the gate which Phil assumed would be some type of office he could get some information from. He walked in to the empty office and went to the front desk where a middle aged woman was sitting, literally staring, at the table in front of her. If Phil didn't hear her heavy breathing, he would have thought she was dead.

"Um, excuse me? C-could you help me?" he stuttered out, hoping and praying the lady had actually heard him since she didn't show an evidence that she knew he was in front of her.

The woman jumped slightly, looking up at Phil with wide eyes. She shook her head, "Sorry about that, just zoned out. What did you say?"

"I need some help finding my aunt and uncle they-"

"Oh you poor thing! How long have they been missing?"

Phil stared at her with a blank expression, "No. They aren't missing. I need help finding what trailer they're living in. I'm staying with them for the summer."

"Oh. I thought something exciting was finally happening in this place. Who are your aunt and uncle?" she asks, evidently disappointed.

"Erm, their last names are Lester." He really didn't want to be here. Living with people he didn't know and in a place where people going missing was deemed as exciting.

"They're located on lot 45. Just walk down the path until you find it, I'm sure you can manage. Welcome to Paradise Park, enjoy your stay."

 _Paradise Park._ If this was paradise, Phil didn't want to know what hell looked like. On second thought, it was probably still better than this. "Thanks." he mutters walking towards the door.

"Don't be a stranger now, don't be shy and pop in for a vis-." she yells out the door before being cut off by Phil slamming it shut. He had only been here for a grand total of 5 minutes and he was already acting rude to the locals. But, he wouldn't be surprised if she zoned out again and forgot about it.

Phil walked down the gravel road, trying not to make eye contact with residents who were staring at him like he had just arrived from outer space. He stood out like a sore thumb, wearing black skinny jeans and a pale blue tshirt compared to everyone else who were wearing jean shorts and some form of plaid. Everyone seemed to shine, and not shine in a nice way, but shining with sweat.

Many of the trailers looked extremely run down, and the lots were separated by chainlink fences. Phil didn't mean to judge their lifestyles, but he didn't fit in here. He would have been beyond content staying in London and just camping out in his room all day with wifi. Now that he truly thought about it, he didn't think this place even had wifi. He needed to find some friends who didn't look at him like he was a meal or else this was going to be a long summer.

"Are you lost?" a crackly voice asked Phil, who jumped when he turned around and saw an old man. Not just any old man; one who was shirtless, exposing his hairy chest and beer belly, some worn down shorts, and crocs. _Crocs._

"No! I'm fine, thank you!" he rushed out trying to back away slowly.

"Are you sure, I could help you." the man said, taking a step closer to Phil.

Phil was beginning to panic at this point. He just wanted to be left alone and here he was, being confronted by a man with about half of his teeth and who looked suspiciously hungry.

"Ben! Leave the poor kid alone." another man boomed, causing both Phil and the older man now know as Ben to jump. Phil didn't know this person, but he was a hero at this point.

Ben walked away, mumbling something under his breath that Phil didn't want to know. "You just got here and you've already attracted the park's lunatic. That's a record."

"I'm sure he isn't a lunatic-"

"I once found him sitting in the dumpster trying to feed a dead crow while singing Elvis."

"Oh."

"The names Frank, by the way. Hope he didn't give you a negative first impression."

"Phil. And no, he didn't." Which wasn't a lie considering he had a negative first impression when he saw the front gate. Ben just gave him more evidence to how shitty of a summer this was going to be.

"Well, I'll let you get on your way. I'll more than likely see you around, it isn't a big place after all!"

Phil waved as he walked away. So far, Frank was the nicest person here, but someone who looked like they were pushing 50 wasn't going to be someone he considered a friend. No offence to him, of course.

Finally, he came to lot 45. His aunt and uncle even had a mailbox which looked like it hadn't been touched in ten years. Phil walked through the open gate and up to the trailer door. He knocked, hoping they were in so he didn't have to awkwardly wait for whenever they turned up. His prayers were answered when he heard footsteps and giggling. Maybe he didn't want to know, it wouldn't be too late to run.

A man, who Phil assumed was his uncle, opened the door. He looked at Phil blankly with bloodshot eyes, "Who are you?"

"Um, Phil. Y-your nephew?"

"Phil."

"My mum arranged to have me stay here for the summer. S-she called you, right?"

"OH, THAT PHIL. Sorry, I'm a bit woo hoo, if you know what I mean." he says, giving Phil a punch to the shoulder, pushing him back slightly. "Come on in."

He really didn't want to. He would have preferred just sitting outside, or going home. Definitely wanted to go home. Despite this, he walked into the trailer, choking on the stench of weed and liquor. Now he understood what his mother said by living out a life of 'bad decisions.'

"Phiiiiillll, it's nice to finally meet you!" his aunt, presumably, says with droopy eyes.

"Nice to meet you too." he croaks out. There was no way he was going to be able to stay in here, his eyes were already watering and he was sure the fumes were getting to him.

"We didn't really get ready for your arrival so, you could sleep on the couch or you could get a tent from the store down the road. I'll give you cash."

Never in Phil's life did he think he would prefer to sleep in a tent than on a couch. He exited the trailer, deeply inhaling the fresh air, never being more grateful for the outside until then. Phil had been in the trailer for only a moment and his clothes already reeked, something he was extremely displeased about. Hopefully the walk would air his clothes out because he wasn't about to change in the middle of the road. The majority of these people wouldn't care anyway since the smell was probably a normal occurrence.

He walked in the direction he had come from and hoped the store his uncle had talked about was nearby to the entrance. It would make sense, and even if it wasn't, it just meant Phil had more time away from his aunt and uncle. He hadn't seen one person relatively close to his age and he feared there wouldn't be any. Surely there had to be _someone_ his age. Or maybe the kids his age were smarter than to spend their entire summer here. Or they had parents that didn't want them suffer.

By the time he arrived at where he thought he needed to be, he was sweating more than he ever had before. His hair stuck to his forehead and he knew he had sweat stains without having to look. All of this for a goddamn tent. If his mum just let him be a recluse back home, none of this trauma would be happening. He didn't have any high expectations, but he had hoped his aunt and uncle would have at least been even remotely interested in the nephew that would be spending the entire summer with them.

Phil walked up the creaky wooden steps to the general store, stopping at the window to sort out the mess that was his hair, and walked in. A door chime signalled his entrance and he noticed that the store was empty apart from the cashier who was staring blankly at the tv beside him. It seemed that everyone in this park was plagued with boredom and Phil knew he would soon join that epidemic.

The store was relatively small, but cramped. It smelled musty and the floorboards creaked with every step. Camping supplies, food, and clothing were packed onto shelves and hangers and Phil had to squeeze through, praying he wouldn't knock anything over. That would be the cherry on top of his shitty day cake. He tried not to be pessimistic, but nothing that had happened today had given Phil any reason to be optimistic.

He managed to make it to the back wall where he saw the majority of camping supplies. There was only one type of tent for him to choose from and within his price range. He assumed he had to buy a sleeping bag as well, but he didn't have enough. He would either have to manage with just a tent or steal some blankets from the trailer which probably smelled like weed. Either way, he was screwed.

The door chime broke him out of his contemplation, and for the first time since he'd been there, he sees someone with promise. He turns to see a group of people who looked to be his age or at least around his age. There were five of them in total, but one of them stood out to Phil.

A boy with wavy brown hair, dimples, and the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. He was laughing at something his friend had said and Phil knew he was in trouble the moment his heart began to dance at the sound. He walked past the shelves with his group of friends in tow as Phil turned back to the shelf he was previously looking at. If he had any social smarts he would try and find a way to talk to them, but he always found it easier to talk to one person at a time, not in packs.

As if whatever god was out there heard his prayers, the boy in question made his way over to where Phil was standing. "You seem to be extremely infatuated with tents, which means you either can't decide between the one option you have or you have some sort of fetish."

"Don't kinkshame me." Phil was surprised in himself for actually replying with something decent. The boy laughed, allowing Phil to hear the angels again.

"I like you, blue eyes."

"Blue eyes? Are we on the nickname level already?"

"Well, considering I don't know your name I have to call you something. I'm Dan, and you are?"

"Phil. It's nice to meet you, Dan."

"Phil. I think I'll still call you, blue eyes though. If that's okay with you."

As much as Phil enjoyed the sound of his name coming out of Dan's mouth, he quite liked the nickname blue eyes. It made him feel special.

"Go ahead, brown eyes."

Dan smirked, causing Phil to blush and look at his feet. Here he was with a cute boy paying attention to him and he was acting like a schoolgirl who had bumped into her crush at recess.

"So, what's the real reason you're staring at these tents?"

"Don't believe I have a fetish? Honestly, I need to get one so I can sleep in a trailer that doesn't have a permanent stench of drugs and booze."

"Ah. I assume you just got here then."

"Like, a half hour ago. Have you been here for a while?"

"I've been staying here for two summers now, not my choice obviously. Paradise Park is pretty shit, but can be tolerable when you're with the right people and know where to go. So, what do you say, blue eyes, want to go on an adventure?"

Phil didn't know Dan and yet he was forgetting about the tent and following him out of the store without a second thought. He had no idea where Dan was going to take him, but he trusted him, and that was going to be both the best and worst decision he's ever made.

The sun was setting when they exited the store and the group Dan had come with introduced themselves to Phil. Troye, Connor, Dodie, and Ashley. Each a misfit and an underdog and people that Phil could see him calling friends in time. They each came on a bike, leaving Phil the odd one out and wondering if they would ride slow enough for him to keep up while walking.

"Hop on the handlebars, blue eyes. I'll keep you safe."

"Don't make me regret this, brown eyes." he muttered as he placed himself on the handlebars. This was probably a stupid idea, but he went along with it anyway.

Dan began to pedal and Phil's stomach flipped as he felt like he was going to topple over, but managed to keep himself up. The longer they drove, the more comfortable Phil got. He closed his eyes as the small breeze blew past him and the final heat from the sun lingered in the air. The moment felt like something from a movie, it made him feel invincible. It more than likely didn't look as epic as Phil thought it did, but he could dream.

The group stopped once they got to a trailer on the other side of the park. Everyone got off their bikes and made their way over to a campfire spot. Phil hopped off the handlebars, turning to Dan, "thanks for the ride."

"You have a cute ass, I liked the view."

Phil was thankful that the sun had set so Dan wouldn't see how much he was blushing. He was so blunt about things and he barely knew him. He was curious to see what he said to people he knew for years.

He followed Dan to the campfire where everyone else was and tried to blend in. Everyone seemed very welcoming and he was glad he found people his age who didn't seem to be assholes. They talked about their last year of high school and how happy they were it was finally over. They talked about parties they had gone to, hookups they had, mischief they had gotten into, things Phil couldn't relate to whatsoever. He enjoyed listening to people though, he found himself as more of an observer. That is, until they started asking about him.

He told them that he was sent to spend the summer with his aunt and uncle and that he had wished he was back home until now. Which was the truth. Phil had been with these people for only a short amount of time and yet he was already beginning to be more optimistic.

Everyone eventually stopped asking about Phil and fell back into another conversation about a party they had gone to. Dan grabbed Phil's hand and pulled him over to the trailer, "fancy some climbing?" he asked as he motioned his head up to the roof of the trailer.

Phil shrugged and watched Dan climb on and up the fence behind the trailer and pull himself onto the roof. Phil followed suit, and settled down beside where Dan was sitting. "So, tell me about you. And not what you already told them. What makes you Phil?"

"Um, I don't really know. I'm just Phil."

"Okay, Just Phil. Tell me a story then."

Phil stared at Dan, his face illuminated with the light from the campfire below them. His eyes twinkled in the firelight, making Phil feel warm, but cautious. "Honestly, I haven't really done anything worthy of a story. I'm pretty boring and usually spend most of my time in my room."

"And why'd you do that?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

"Just trying to get to know you."

"I don't know, I guess I just didn't fit in much."

"Well, you do now. Welcome to Paradise Park, looks like hell, but has some of he greatest people you'll ever meet. And by greatest people I mean me."

Phil laughed. Genuinely laughed for the first time ages. They continued to talk until the early hours of the morning. The sun's light peaked over the horizon and Dan and Phil watched as its light bathed the sky in hues of gold. Phil's eyes drooped as he turned onto his side. The last thing he saw before his eyes shut was Dan smiling softly at him. Maybe this summer wouldn't end up being as bad as he thought.


	2. hurricane

Phil had been at Paradise Park for over a week so far and he couldn't believe it when he said that it had been the best week of his life. He hadn't been back to his aunt and uncle's trailer once during that week, and it wasn't a surprise when they weren't even a bit concerned as to where the person they were supposed to be watching out for was missing. He assumed they were too high to even remember he had showed up.

He had become so infatuated with Dan that it scared him. Everything he did seemed like the right thing to do. Nothing ever phased him and laughed everything off as if life was one giant joke. Phil wasn't too sure if that was a good thing or not. Dan wasn't the type of person that Phil thought he'd be attracted to. He was beautiful, almost too beautiful, and it made Phil insecure. He wasn't sure why Dan was even paying the slightest attention to him since he was just average, and not even remotely exciting. Things Dan did on a daily basis were things Phil hadn't even thought of doing.

Drugs, alcohol, parties, and sex were all things Phil avoided when he was in London. He had never gotten into trouble and had never done anything even the slightest bit reckless. He was innocent, and innocent was boring to people like Dan.

Throughout the week, he forced himself to do things out of his comfort zone. He didn't turn down liquor when it was offered, he tried a cigarette, which he quickly came to realize was not something for him. Dan had laughed when he coughed, but not in a malicious way. Phil felt embarrassed, so he stuck with drinking in the middle of the day. He was just happy that he had fit into a group of people who had been friends for years.

There was something about Dan that still made him cautious. He almost seemed too perfect. The way he made rolled up jeans and rolled up sleeves on his black tshirts and jeans seem more than just what they were, how he effortlessly switched between taking a drag from a cigarette and a drink from a bottle, and the way every word he said seemed to entrance Phil as if he were being hypnotized.

Despite his doubts, he still found himself being pulled in. A voice in the back of his head warned him, but he ignored it.

Phil had found a beat up bike by one of the dumpsters in the park and he had claimed it as his own. He almost didn't in case it was some kid's who was coming back for it, but everyone in the group were staring at him expectantly. He told himself he'd put it back in the same spot by the end of the summer, just to make himself feel better.

They were all riding through the park when Connor mentioned the idea of leaving the park for the day. Everyone jumped on the idea, including Phil. You could only do so much in the park after all and he was secretly bored of riding down the same roads and going to the same places. Plus, he wanted to see some of Brooklyn that wasn't a trailer park.

All six of them rode past the gate and onto the side of the road Phil had walked on to get there. He didn't know where they were going, but he followed them knowing they must have some places in mind. Phil often felt out of the loop when they were talking because he had no idea what they were talking about, but he usually managed to add in a few points. They all encouraged him to state his opinions and make comments, something he was often told not to do. He loved these people like he had known them for years.

The summer sun was blazing down on them as they rode along the road, leaving clouds of dust behind them. This was what Phil had been missing in London. A group of friends and the freedom to go out and do things. He began to regret spending all his time in his room and not trying to make friends with the people he needed to make friends with. Phil knew he needed to try and make up for lost time this summer.

He hadn't realized that they had reached a dump site surrounded by a giant chainlink fence. It wasn't what he had expected, but he knew that everyone knew what they were doing. They wouldn't be caught dead doing something boring. Dan was the first to get off his bike and began to climb the fence. Ashley, Connor, and Troye soon followed after him, leaving Phil and Dodie.

"I was never a fan of climbing fences." she says looking over at Phil.

"It's higher than I thought it was, we can do it though. Together."

Dodie smiles at Phil, nodding her head. They climb the fence slowly, having more caution than the first four had. Climbing wasn't the issues for Phil, it was trying to manage to climb over to the other side. His heart beat rapidly as he tried to swing his foot over to the other side and find a spot for it to settle. After a few moments, he successfully managed to make it down, earning a smirk of approval from Dan and an applaud from the others. Phil basked in the approval, but silently wondering why being able to climb a fence was something worth being proud of.

The group maneuvered through the parked cars, Ashley and Dodie deciding to step onto them and jump from roof to roof. Troye jumped onto Connor's back, sending him running and earning a scream from Troye. Dan laughed at the two of them before looking over at Phil. Phil smiled back before dropping the smile, "No, Dan, don't you dare!" But, Dan picked him up anyway.

Phil was flung over Dan's shoulder, causing him to grab onto the back of Dan's tshirt. "Dan Howell, I swear to god if you drop me I will end you!"

Dan laughed, "No, you won't, blue eyes. You like me too much."

"That's debatable at this point." Which was a lie, of course, Dan could drop Phil right now and he would forgive him.

Phil sighed and stopped struggling. There really wasn't any point, plus, he was quite close to Dan's butt and he wasn't going to complain. Dan walked for a while more before letting Phil down. "Thanks for trusting me."

"I didn't have much of a choice, did I?" Phil asks sarcastically, fixing his hair which had become an unruly mess from being upside down.

Dan grabbed Phil's hand, leading him over to one of the parked cars. He opened the door, signalling Phil to get inside. Phil complied and sat down, looking at the dusty interior and broken windows. Dan got into the drivers side and turned to Phil. "Where to, sir?"

"Hmm, how about Paris?"

"I regret to inform you, but I don't think this car will be able to cross the ocean. Actually, not too sure it's even going to cross ground."

"It does look pretty dead."

"Why Paris though?" Dan asks as he lights a cigarette.

Phil shrugs, "Don't know. I didn't think of the answer too much. Seems pretty cliche now that I think about it."

Dan says nothing and the two are plunged into silence. It wasn't awkward, it was actually quite comfortable. Phil leaned his head back onto the headrest of the seat and closed his eyes. Dan continue to smoke his cigarette, stealing a few glances at Phil. His mind began to wander and he couldn't help but think that Phil was too good for him.

He could already tell that Phil was changing since he had been hanging out with Dan and his friends, and Dan didn't want that. He got into more trouble than he should get into and he really didn't want to drag Phil into it. Dan knew that Phil only did certain things because he felt like he needed to to fit in and it scared Dan how he had that effect on him.

Despite knowing that Phil was too good for him, he didn't want to push him away. He was too selfish to do that and he hated himself for it.

"Phil?"

"Hm?" Phil opens his eyes, looking at Dan.

"You should stay away from me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm a shitty person, Phil. I do bad things even when I shouldn't just because it's fun. I get into trouble more often than someone should. I'm not good for you."

Phil furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head. "If you mean bad things like drinking and smoking, I'm sorry to inform you that the majority of teenagers do that already. And you don't have any place to tell me what's good and bad for me, I know what I'm getting into."

"I just don't want you getting caught up in it."

"Well, that's a shame because I'm already caught up in it and I haven't regretted it so far."

Dan sighs, "I'm too selfish to let you go anyway."

"Then why did you even bring it up?"

"I don't know."

Silence fills the car again as they both stare at each other. For the first time, Phil sees the boy for who he really is. Dan wasn't just some guy who acted like he was on top of the world where nothing could touch him. It was a facade. A facade that covered up that he was just a fucked up kid who thought he wasn't good enough for people. Dan seemed to have formed a reputation with his friends and others and Phil was making him question it.

Dan Howell wasn't a cool and collected night sky, he was a goddamn hurricane.

That fact only made Phil more intrigued. He wanted to know the real Dan, not the character he acted as when he was around others. Maybe he was stupid, or maybe he was just desperate, but he wanted to get pulled into the storm.

That thought is what made Phil lean in. They met in the middle and Phil swore he heard thunderclaps as their lips met. To Phil, it was loud and dangerous. But, to Dan, it was the quiet and calm he had been seeking. Phil was the summer shower that you used to play in when you were younger, while Dan was the storm that made you want to hide under your blankets until it was over. Luckily for Dan, Phil was never afraid of storms.

Dan was the first to pull away, leaning his forehead against Phil's, "You're too good for me, blue eyes." He mutters.

Phil was about to reply but Ashley, Dodie, Connor, and Troye all came running over telling them to hurry up. Dan sighed, "I guess they're bored. Let's go."

Everyone climbed back over the fence and got back onto their bikes. They rode into the city and entered a diner that was empty apart from an older couple sitting by the window. They gave the group dirty looks for walking into the diner talking loudly, but chose to ignore them instead of saying something. They all sat down, ordered their food, and talked until Dodie thought it would be entertaining to throw her straw wrapper at Troye. This caused an all out war between everyone that didn't stop until the waiter came over to tell them to leave since they were being a "disturbance." Phil rolled his eyes and shot the couple a glare since they were obviously the ones who complained. He was just glad they were able to finish eating first.

They continued to ride around the city until the sun went down and it had gotten considerably dark. Neither of them wanted to go back to park at this time, but they also didn't know where they'd end up sleeping. "There's this really dingy motel only a few minutes from here. No one ever stays there." Ashley recommends.

"We aren't going to have enough to get a room though." Dodie says.

"We aren't going to pay for a room. We'll sneak in. Trust me, the manager isn't going to find out, he's usually passed out by 8."

"How do you even know that?"

"I've been there a few times with a few people. Just trust me."

Everyone glances at each other, hoping someone would say something. Phil takes the silence to speak up, "Well, it's either that, sleeping on the street, or biking all the way back to the park. It's the best option."

Phil looks at Dan, who shrugs, "Let's go then."

They all bike to the motel, which definitely does look dingy. The light up sign flickers and every room looks vacant, apart from the room that holds the front office. Phil can just make out a man sitting at the front desk who luckily has their back turned to them. Dan goes up to a door and takes a bobby pin from Ashley so he can pick the lock. He's successful and room 93 is theirs for the night.

Phil jumps onto the bed, sitting down and burying himself in the peculiar smelling pillows. He chooses to ignore it, not wanting to overthink what it could actually be. Dan sits beside him, leaning into his side and resting his head on his shoulder. Phil grabbed his hand, running his thumb over his knuckles as the others decided to play a game of spin the bottle.

Everyone in the circle had ended up kissing at least one other person and Phil never understood how people were so calm about kissing. It was probably normal to everyone else since they had much more experience than Phil. Closest thing he had to a kiss apart from him and Dan today was in freshman year with a girl he dated for a week.

"Dan, Phil, why don't you join us?" Connor asks, smirking.

"I've done enough kissing in my lifetime, thanks though." Dan says, causing Phil's heart to sink. He already knew Dan had obviously been in plenty of relationships, but it still made him oddly jealous. It's not like he really had a right to be, he barely knew Dan, it wasn't like he could say anything about what he had done before they had met. Phil didn't even know if they were in a relationship. Kisses didn't automatically mean Dan was his.

"I'm going to go out for a smoke, you can join them if you want, Phil."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, go ahead." He got off the bed and walked out of the room without hesitation. Phil didn't want to join in on their game, but he did anyway. There was a small chance the bottle would land on him in the short amount of time it would take Dan. Or so he hoped.

Of course things didn't work out in his favour. He had dodged a couple bullets and he thought he'd be safe but it inevitably landed on him and then Dodie. Out of the entire group here, he was most comfortable with Dodie and he wouldn't have minded if it weren't for the fact that Dan walked in during the kiss.

He was the one who encouraged Phil to join them so he shouldn't feel like someone had just punched him in the face. For a split second, he felt vulnerable, and Phil noticed. For a moment he was Dan. A boy who was terrified that he felt something for another boy. He wanted to belong to Phil, to find a home within him. That moment past as he walked back out of the room and became the version of Dan his reputation made him out to be. The boy who was only a one night stand, the boy who didn't belong to anyone.

Dan didn't return to the room until Ashley came to find him at 3am. She tugged at his hand, convincing him to come inside. Dan didn't know how they ended up making out on the bed that Phil was sleeping beside. He didn't know why he felt dirty for something he had done more times than he could count and remember. Dan knew that Phil was the reason. He didn't stop and he hated himself for it. Hated himself for continuing to allow his hands to roam down Ashley's sides and have his mouth on someone else other than the person he actually wanted it on. His stomach wrenched and his heart felt like it was going to rip in two.

Phil was changing him and he was angry. Not angry because he wanted to be someone he hated, but angry because he knew he didn't deserve Phil. He knew he would wake up tomorrow morning and act like nothing had happened and he could only hope Phil would do the same. He almost wished he would wake up and see him only so he could yell and be done with it. But, Dan was selfish. Kissing Phil in that car made him feel a way he had never felt before. Thinking of that made him realize how wrong it was to be kissing Ashley. He pulled away and stared at the ceiling. Closing his eyes tightly, trying to forget what had just happened. All he wanted was to forget how much of a shitty person he actually was.

He only fell asleep when he imagined Phil beside him instead of Ashley. She was laying on his chest, and Dan was too much of a coward to tell her to move. The whole thing had been a mistake and he didn't have the energy to try and fix it.

Phil woke up as the sun streamed through the thin, floral curtains on the window. He rubbed his eyes, and thought back to the night before and regretting not going after Dan when he had left the motel. He looked at the bed and saw Dan and Ashley still sleeping. Phil didn't want to know what they had done and he wasn't given enough time to process it before the motel manager stormed into the room yelling at them to get out before he called the cops. They ran out of the motel, grabbed their bikes and rode back in the direction they had come from the previous night. Phil looked over at Dan, who looked back him, both of them with clear guilt in their faces and the intention of acting like it never happened.

Phil put that night in the back of his head, only choosing to remember up to before Dan went out to smoke. The only thing he remembered past that was the writing 'never forget summer 97' on the headboard of the bed.


	3. is there somewhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> credit to rupi kaur for the poem :)

Memories of that night had been forgotten like a cold cup of coffee and Dan and Phil acted as if they had never set foot inside that motel room that night. The summer days flew by as the season was coming to a close, leaving a small amount of time before they would have to part. Phil would only be there for a few more weeks and as much as he loved his other friends, he selfishly wanted to spend the rest of his time with Dan.

They would often sneak back to the very same motel room where everything happened. The same room they chose to forget and bury that one memory with a handful of new ones. No one knew where they went when they both disappeared and the two boys wanted to keep it that way. They would leave just before the sun went down and come back just as it was coming up. They were asked questions, but they never answered them.

Room 93 was their safe haven. A place they escaped to, a place just for them. Phil wasn't sure what his relationship with Dan was, but he didn't care. He didn't care because he got to kiss him and feel his skin against his own and got to wake up in a mess of tangled sheets and legs as the morning sun began to spill through the window.

They spent many nights in that motel room, and each night ended up being better than the last. The sex wasn't the reason Phil never wanted the nights to end, as much as he did enjoy it, but it was the conversations, the innocent touches, the sweet nothings, being with the Dan that Phil knew was the version of himself he wanted to be. Not the closed off, too cool attitude that gained him the popularity he had.

Phil knew that the nights they spent together meant more to him than it meant to Dan. He knew that once the summer was over, they would more than likely never speak again. He knew that all he was was a series of one night stands and that he didn't belong to Dan and Dan didn't belong to him, but for a moment he could pretend.

Maybe he was selfish, but he would take what he could get.

For now it was sex and conversation and words that didn't mean what they should. It was dancing around the motel room in nothing but boxers and socks and screaming lyrics to songs in the moonlit squares illuminating the carpet. It was being able to just talk about nothing while tracing patterns onto each other's skin and being able to rest his head on Dan's shoulder before he began to trail kisses up his neck as Dan's hand gripped his thigh.

Phil promised himself he wouldn't get to the point where he let Dan complete him.

However, that was easier said than done. Phil wanted to be more than just a hookup. He wanted to be able to be with Dan, not just for the night. Phil constantly thought about that day when Dan kissed him in the car when he was told to stay away from him. It was too late when it was said, Phil had already been sucked in and he didn't want to get out, but maybe that was his first mistake. Maybe he never should have met the boy with the brown eyes that never belonged to anybody.

It was the hope that maybe one day Dan would kiss him with more than just the intention of sex. Maybe one day he would kiss him and realize he wanted to do it more than just in room 93. Maybe they could make it work. Phil didn't want to make it obvious that he didn't want to let Dan go at the end of the summer, but each night made it more difficult to hide it.

Each night he held onto Dan a little tighter than the previous, and willed the sun to take its time coming up over the horizon. He clung onto Dan as if he were a child clutching onto a stairway railing. Dan had latched onto him as well without him knowing it, plaguing his every thought and making every decision with him as motivation. Dan Howell had become a drug and Phil was the addict, dependent to ease his ailing.

One night Phil awoke to Dan writing in a notebook instead of sleeping. He listened to the pen scratching against the paper and smiled softly as he watched Dan. He seemed at peace as the words easily flowed from his brain to the paper. Dan smirked after quite some time as he finally realized he had an audience.

"What are you writing?" Phil asked, running his hand gently over Dan's side.

"Romantic poetry."

"Can I read it?"

"Maybe one day, but not right now." Dan leans over to kiss Phil, causing a distraction as he places the notebook onto the bedside table. Phil dropped the subject, too distracted from the feeling of lips on lips and roaming hands.

Phil knew he wasn't the only one Dan had been with, and as each night passed he grew painfully aware of that fact. He knew he shouldn't feel jealous, or angry at the people who were with Dan before him. He knew there would be more after him as well, he just didn't like being second when it came to Dan. Especially when he knew that he was falling for him.

That morning as Dan was in the shower, Phil reached for the notebook even though he knew he shouldn't. He opened it to the page that was bookmarked from the night before. His eyes scanned the handwriting as he listened the water from the shower through the closed door.

_"i know i_   
_should crumble_   
_for better reasons_   
_but have you seen_   
_that boy he brings_   
_the sun to its_   
_knees every_   
_night"_

Phil regretted looking in the notebook, not because he didn't like what he read, but because those 23 words gave him what he had been craving. Hope.

The next night felt different for Phil simply because of that four letter word that made an appearance after reading what he did. They did the same thing as they did every other night, but this time it was slow, passionate, meaningful.

Phil didn't mean to fall in love with the brown eyed boy that night. He wanted to apologize because he knew Dan didn't feel the same. He knew this love would remain unrequited and he didn't know what to do. Falling in love was never his intention.

That's why he began to cry as they were laying on their backs staring at the ceiling. Dan asked if Phil was alright, as he wiped away the tears that refused to stop spilling. Phil said nothing but mumbled the words 'I'm sorry,' leaving Dan in a state of confusion and questions.

"Could we pretend that we're in love?" Phil asks, staring into the eyes of the other boy. He didn't know why he made his confession, all he knew was that hope had a way of fucking up judgement.

Dan says nothing, and Phil knew that was the start of the end. All because love had got in the way.


	4. ghost

Phil knew he was losing Dan and he didn't know what to do about it. They had gotten into an argument the night he made his confession and he was surprised he hadn't walked away. If he wasn't so reliant and infatuated with Dan, he probably would have. He didn't know why Dan never wanted a label on relationships, even if they didn't have a label, Phil wanted to know what they were.

He didn't want to just be a summer fling that Dan would move on from when Phil got on the plane home. He wanted something with substance, or to at least know he wasn't just another name added to Dan's list.

After they had argued and everything had been said, they sat in silence. Phil with red eyes from crying and Dan breathing heavily. Both of their throats were raw from screaming at each other and now the silence was deafening. They looked at everything but each other, but their thoughts were on nothing but the other.

Dan sighed, running his hand through his hair, "I'm sorry."

Phil glanced at him, "No, you're not."

And that was it.

They still went to Room 93 every night, still avoided questions from their friends, still did what they always did. Nothing changed, but at the same time, everything changed.

The touches felt like fire on Phil's skin, the sweet nothings were no longer sweet, all because he knew this meant more to him than it ever would to Dan.

What Phil hated the most about the whole situation was that his feelings for him didn't change. He knew Dan wasn't good for him, and he knew that he would never be enough for Dan.

Dan was a one night stand, someone who never slept alone, had more numbers in his phone than he would ever text just for the sake of saying he did know them even for a night. His mouth told white lies and kissed Phil just to leave right after. Someone who wouldn't be afraid to say goodbye without a second glance.

Phil hated himself for still wanting to be with Dan, because he was giving him what he wanted. This was what Dan had been planning since the beginning and Phil was just going along with it. Because he got what he wanted as well, no matter how much he despised himself for it.

All Phil did was cling along to Dan and did everything he was told to do. He got to be with Dan and that's all that he cared about. He knew it wasn't healthy, he knew they were toxic, but he loved it. He loved it too much because he was addicted. Dan didn't belong to anyone, but he knew Phil belonged to him. He hated it and loved it at the same time. Love was complicated, but Phil knew this wasn't love, or at least what love shouldn't be.

It wasn't until a week later when Phil began to notice the changes. The touching became less frequent, the words were unspoken, they barely made eye contact. Dan would often turn his back to Phil afterwards and the space between them felt like miles. At the beginning Phil would try and reach for Dan and ask if he was okay, but all he got as a reply was silence and him moving further away.

The meaningful conversations turned to arguments, lust filled eyes turned to regret, laughs turned to screams, and any love between them washed away with tears. Phil knew this was going to happen considering it was almost the end of the summer, he just hoped it would come to an end on good terms.

Dan had become a ghost. He wasn't the same person as he was at the beginning of the summer when they had first met. That moment seemed like it happened years ago and if Phil knew it would turn out this way he didn't think he would have even talked to Dan. At the same time, as much as he hated where they were right now, he still would have wanted to be with Dan. Maybe that was why his heart was broken.

Dan knew that he was fucking everything up. He knew that Phil deserved better than what he was getting. Sometimes he wished he had never gone up to him at the beginning of the summer only so he could save him from the pain he was being put through now. He cared for Phil, and that's what scared him.

He never took anything farther than hook ups because he never wanted to get invested. With Phil it was different. He didn't care about the sex, if all they did was talk for hours he would be content. He wanted to know Phil, to know who he was, what he believed in. He wanted to be someone who he could trust, but how can you want others to trust you when you can't even trust yourself?

The night he had kissed Ashley just because he was jealous that Phil had kissed Dodie was the night Dan knew he should have let it go. Dan was the one who encouraged Phil to play spin the bottle and yet he got angry when he did. He was a messed up kid who didn't deserve the love that Phil gave him.

Dan wanted to return that love, but he was a coward. He knew he would just be a screw up and a disaster in Phil's life. It could work out for awhile but there would be inevitable mistake made that would cause Dan to run. Running was all he did. Whenever something got too complicated he would walk away, and he knew that was the complete opposite of what you did in a relationship.

What also scared Dan was the fact that Phil would forgive him. He didn't want that power over someone. The fact that someone could love him so much that they could look past the flaws and still find something to love wasn't endearing, it was terrifying.

Phil Lester was the sun, and deserved the world. All Dan did was hold him back from finding someone who would give him it.

"What happened to us, Dan?" Phil asked, staring up at the ceiling.

"I told you to stay away from me."

"And how did you expect me to do that?" Phil snaps.

"I don't know."

"You kissed me. Made me feel like I was something to you and now you can't even give me a decent enough reason as to why you're acting so cold?"

"Phil, just drop it."

"I'm not going to drop it! After all we've done I think I deserve some kind of explanation. I know I haven't know you for very long but I've told you everything about me, opened up to you, gave you literally everything and I don't ask for much in return."

"I don't love people. Sorry to disappoint."

"Have you even tried?"

Dan said nothing. He grabbed his discarded jeans and tshirt from the floor along with his leather jacket before stepping out the door. Phil knew he had only gone for a smoke, he never actually left. He also knew he shouldn't follow him, but he did anyway because he didn't want to give up. He was still searching for something he couldn't reach.


	5. trouble

Phil was trying and Dan wasn't cooperating. No matter what Phil said and did, Dan refused to let him in or at least explain why he was suddenly acting so cold towards him. Phil knew it was because Dan was scared of possibly loving someone. It wasn't like he was used to caring for someone for longer than a night, as well as being cared for. Of course he cared for his friends, but Phil was different; Phil was more. Phil would always be more.

Dan was being an ass, something he knew how to be. He didn't want to push Phil away, but he was doing it anyway. He couldn't be what Phil wanted or deserved. All he did was push people away. He was a coward and that was why he always ended up alone.

"You know what scares me, Dan?" Phil questions with a strange calmness, considering he had been fuming over the silent treatment Dan had been giving him for the past hour.

Phil stares at Dan coldly when he doesn't reply. "Well I'm going to tell you whether you're really listening or not."

Dan was always listening, especially when it was Phil.

"What scares me is how I feel around you. You've done nothing but treat me like shit for the past few days. I don't know what I did, and don't give me any of that 'I don't love people' crap. You're scared to let people in, I get it, but what I don't get is that you can just push me away so easily like I'm just another person you've fucked. Anyone else would have walked out by now because that would be the smart thing to do. Yet here I am, still trying to make you realize you can be loved and can love back. No matter how cold you act towards me, I'll still be here. You could punch me in the face and tell me I'm worthless and I'd probably still love you. That's what scares me."

Phil's voice shook with anger as tears rolled down his cheeks. Dan looked up at Phil, shock evident on his face.

"Are you going to say anything?" Phil snaps.

Dan wanted to say everything. He wanted to say that he was scared, but he wanted to love Phil. He wanted to say that he did love Phil. Loved him more than anything, but he said nothing.

"You're impossible you know that?"

_I know._

"I spill my entire heart out to you and you just stay silent."

_I don't want to be silent, Phil._

"Can you please talk to me? Just say something. Anything. Even if you say you hate me. I need something other than silence."

_I could never hate you._

"Sometimes I wish I never met you because I feel like I've lost contact with my fucking sanity."

_You're the reason I've been able to keep mine._

"I hate you."

_I love you._

Phil had run out of things to say and Dan sat there with a million different thoughts swirling around his head, none of them managing to slip past his cowardice and out into the air. He never said anything, but he began to cry instead.

Dan grabbed at his hair, tugging at it as he cried harder than he ever had before. He didn't care that Phil could see him. The tears wouldn't stop and he was finding it hard to breathe.

Phil's arms wrapped around his shaking frame. Dan buried his face into Phil's chest as he clutched at his tshirt. He pulled Phil in, holding him tighter than he ever had before. Dan continued to cry because he knew that he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve the feeling of Phil's arms around him and his voice trying to soothe him. He didn't deserve the sympathy.

They fell asleep in each other's arms, Dan's eyes red from crying and chest aching from the feeling of regret. Phil was the best thing to ever happen to him and he was only taking it for granted. Despite knowing he couldn't let him go, Dan still found it impossible to say those three little words that could start to put them back together again.

-

It was the last week of summer and Dan had ruined everything. He realized that Phil would be leaving and he had done nothing to give them a chance. He had made too many mistakes, he had left too many words unsaid.

Phil didn't look at him the same way anymore. He had seemed to be more mature, he had grown into someone that didn't need Dan, and Dan was realizing how badly he had fucked up.

Dan would probably die for Phil. He would do anything for him despite not showing it or saying it. He wanted to be with Phil, but he also knew that he wouldn't be able to love him the way he should be loved.

Phil deserved to be loved loudly. He deserved to have someone who showed pride in having him. Someone who was bold, someone who wasn't afraid of what they felt. Dan knew he couldn't do that as much as he wanted to.

He wanted Phil, but he also knew that he wasn't what Phil needed.

-

Today was Phil's last day before he would be leaving. Dan was trying desperately to come up with everything he wanted to say, but he knew it would be too late. No matter how much he confessed, he knew he had lost Phil.

They both sat on the bed in the room that had become their home. Both not saying a word, but both not angry for the first time in a few weeks. Dan glanced over at Phil, who looked surprisingly content. Phil turned and met Dan's gaze, smiling softly and his blue eyes sparkling.

"I'm sorry, Phil."

"I know you are."

"I screwed up. I lost you."

"You did."

"I do love you. I realized that way too late and I know nothing is going to come out of it, but I wanted you to know. You deserve someone who isn't scared to say that because you deserve the world. You deserve someone who will hold your hand in public and not be afraid to kiss you. You deserve someone who doesn't keep you hidden in a motel room."

"That wasn't so hard to say was it?"

"No."

"I'm glad you did say it though. Even though you're too late. I still love you, Dan Howell."

"Maybe one day we'll meet again, when we're different people. Maybe then we'll be better for each other."

Phil smiles, "I hope so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's the end! sorry if it didn't end how you may have wanted/wasn't as long as you wanted but I like how this went. hope you did too. thanks for reading!


End file.
